Did You See The Race At Talladega?

Carl Edwards was lucky to have survived the that last lap!
8 fans in the stand were hit with flying debris but Edwards walked, actually, he did a bit of running away from the crash. It was horrifying and fascinating all at the same time.

Oh, It's True!

I can be a bit negative. At times, I'm pessimistic. I've been known to refer to people as idiots, and don't hold much hope for the future of this country - of this world, for that matter. Humanity doesn't always impress me.

Today it occurred to me that maybe I'm too negative. I was leaving the grocery store as a father and daughter were pushing there cart to their car. They then emptied their cart and continued on foot to their car leaving the cart right behind my rear fender. I couldn't back out of my space. I stopped, shook my head and began muttering under my breath about manners, courtesy, and fiery justice raining from the sky as I pushed the cart to a cart-corral. I then got into my car and started the engine; still muttering.

Suddenly, the little girl comes back and looks around puzzled. She turns to her dad and shouts, 'It's gone. Somebody must've taken it.' She then returned to her father and I thought maybe I had been to quick to judge. Maybe I should've given them the benefit of the dou... oh, look. The dickhead's driving an Escalade! Nice big, unnecessarily wasteful, fuel-consuming, small penis-compensating monstrosity! Jack Ass!

Ugly Woman Sings Like An Angel!

Thanks to American Idol, and all of these other reality television shows we, apparently the world, have come to expect the worse from each other. Men and women acting like idiots, vying for the affections of someone who's career has seen better days. People desperate for a little fame making asses of themselves for the world to see. Ignorant and, even sometimes, mentally disabled people being exploited in an audition process for a fun sound bite, or video on Youtube.

And we sit back and make fun of the idiots. We judge their appearance. We giggle when they go off key, or forget the lyrics. We shake our heads and laugh at their exploits. Haha. But some of us wish to be them, wish for our talent to be discovered. So we'll dress up like a chicken or a pimp on national television and sing, when we've got no business singing, just on the off chance that someone will pay us some attention.

I just watched the Susan Boyle video. I don't get it! What's the big deal? Why is this the new internet sensation? She gave a great performance. Good for her, finally getting a chance to pursue her dream after caring for her parents. She's obviously had training, and seems to have a great voice, so why are we all so surprised? Because she's not pretty? At all?


So what? Where is it written that only attractive people can have talent? Who says that ugly people can't be famous singers?

I Shit You Not

Last night I was watching the news and there was a tragic story about yet another man to kill his kids. Father killed his kids, wife and then himself. These stories always upset me.

They then got a reaction from a neighbor, this lady in a T Shirt, and she seemed genuinely upset about the event. Who wouldn't be? Halfway through the segment my brain reads the neighbor's T Shirt. It read:

I'm Sorry But I Can't Hear You Without A Beer In My Hand!

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

'We've got a quadruple murder/suicide. Let's interview some of the locals; get some reactions. Ooh, get that lady with the funny shirt. She'll add a touch of class and humor to the 11 o'clock news.' (She's towards the end of the video.)

"Well, hello stranger..."

"... haven't seen you in a while," said the old man behind the register.

The old man with 2 bottles of cheap run replied, "Been having hip trouble. Haven't been moving as well lately."

"Saw you moving kinda slow over there," commented the old man behind the register, "but you're still moving"

The old man with 2 bottles of cheap rum bragged, "Yup, at least I can still walk. How have you been?"

The old man behind the register rung up the order and said, "Lost my wife last month. So I've been having a rough time of it."

"I can't imagine. I'm sorry for your loss," offered the old man with 2 bottles of cheap rum, as he handed over his cash.

"Yeah," the old man behind the register took the payment, "she'd been sick for a few years so I half expected it..."

The conversation continued but as I stood there in line with a cheap 6 pack in my arms bemoaning my horrible spring break, and impending tax debt I was moved by the conversation before me. Hearing the first man speak of losing his wife, and the other man claiming that he would be lost without his wife I realized that it can always be worse.

So my spring break was bad? So I owe money to the IRS? So what? At least I have a loving wife and family, a neurotic dog, new siding on the apartment, a job that I don't hate yet, and a couple cans of cheap beer. The sun is shining.

Not Exact Quotes

On the way to the *hospital Mom said, "I may have let it slip about your April Fools Joke."

"Whaddya mean?"

She continued, "To your brother... I may have accidentally let it slip."

"Why? What did you say?"

"I asked him if he'd figured out your joke yet," Ma explained. "He said you hadn't played a joke on anyone. I said you had, it was him and that they weren't vacationing in a dry county. So I may have let it slip."

"Ma! That's not a slip. That's blowing the punchline. That's giving the joke away."

"Well... then that's what I did, I guess."

(*We were on the way to the hospital for an unexpected return trip to help deal with my mother's nagging pneumonia, and figure out what's going on. She's had to put off chemo to deal with the shortness of breath, and constant dry **cough.)

(**The cough is only amusing when you get her to laugh and the cough kicks in but that's only funny for a few rounds.)

The Fido Test!

So I've been reading the first Sherlock Holmes adventure: A Study In Scarlet. At one point Holmes, to test an unknown pill - a suspected poison - feeds half of the pill in question to an old, ailing terrier belonging to the landlady at 221B Baker Street. The dog dies. He fed the dog poison... intentionally. Sherlock Holmes is then certain of the pill's poisonous properties and moves on to solve the case. The dog was described as sick, and, apparently, the landlady was hoping to put it out of its misery but still, I am disturbed by this development in the story. Maybe it was a common practice of the day. Maybe they viewed it as a humane ending to the dog's life. I don't know. All I know is that Sherlock Holmes poisons puppies!

April Fools A Few Days Later

The phone rang as I was wrestling with my morning commute. It was the brother. He was disappointed. He had checked my blog in the morning expecting to see an April Fools prank in the works. (I often times try to honor the occasion with a joke or two.) This year I woke up almost an hour late for school, flew through a shower, and tore out of my neighborhood. No time for a prank.

He was disappointed. The conversation eventually turned to other topics. His kids and their germs. Work. Traffic. Spring Break. My brother and his family are heading out of town to a time share somewhere in VA. A week away. Good for them. Too bad for my brother that their vacationing in a dry county. They'll have to pack a cooler full of beer and hope it last the week. Or drive to the next county to restock their fridge.

'What? Mom didn't tell me that! Man, that sucks.'

You know what really sucks? Calling me to complain that I've dropped the ball and neglected my trickster duties, and then falling for a my 'dry county' joke. (The same conversation! In the same conversation I fooled your gullible ass into believing that you'll be stuck in a dry county for a week.) Hook, Line & Sinker!

So I left the punchline hanging in the air. I never told him I was kidding. My mother laughed. My sister-in-law called me to ask if I was ever going to let him in on the joke. We both agree, it's funnier if I just let it go until he reads about it here after returning from vacation in that 'dry county'. Granted... not the most intricate of deceptions but if you know my brother this one will hit him where it hurts!

I'm sure he'll say he saw through the ruse, never really believed it. The fact that he mentioned it to his wife later proves otherwise, and I'm sure his liquor store receipts would sing another tune.