So I decided to update my look a little here on the blog. Why? I don't know really. Maybe I'm bored. Maybe it's time for a change. Maybe I need to try something small in hopes of sparking some kind of creative spark!
What does that mean?
Lately I've sunken into a funk, I think it would be safe to say. I am not actively writing/developing any of my creative projects. I have been turning down prospective theatrical productions because I don't really feel motivated to make such a time-consuming commitment. I am choosing to stay home, mope around the apartment and be antisocial in many instances. I am consumed by an overwhelming feeling of pessimism, and self doubt. That is not who I am.
Well, okay, I've always been a bit of a negative person but it was amusing. I was creative in my naysaying. The title of this blog is all about my ability to laugh at the negative things in life, to mock the aspects of life that I take grievances with... but in a fun, hopefully entertaining way. Lately it has not been a productive trait of my personality.
It exhausting being this much of a bummer day in and day out. I shoot down ideas left and right. I already have an answer as to why certain resolutions are doomed to fail. I claim to be unaffected by certain goings on in my life but then bottle up the anger and resentment. I am always stressed out - about money, about debt, about my commute, about my future, about my family, about my lack of progress through this footrace we call life. I hate always feeling sorry for myself.
I am confused daily by the turn of events that have led me to my present. The decisions that I have made, and the obstacles that have arisen in the last few years hover around my head, and constantly buzz in my ear. I was going to be an actor. I was going to be a writer. I was going to be a teacher. I was going to have some stability. It turns out that I have unfinished manuscripts, unpaid bills, a blog and just as many questions as ever.
So I decided to change the appearance of my blog. It's a baby step but one hopefully taken in the right direction. I'm still not going to audition for productions that I am not interested in, but hopefully I will be more open to being approached by interested parties. Hopefully I will get of my butt, dust off some of my manuscripts and start sending them out again. Ideally, I will not let my life be defined by the +3 hours a day I spend sitting in traffic to get to my low-paying job or the hemorrhaging banks accounts, both of which could be cured by mysteriously winning the lottery one day.
In the meantime, I will work on slowly bettering my attitude. The motif of books you see in the background here is something that makes me smile. I love to read. I love books. I love the endless possibilities represented by an unopened book. Hopefully, this will help to inspire me in in these uninspiring times.
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