Sad But Thankful

I glanced over at my father after everyone had been served. It was the moment I had been dreading all week - the moment Mom would've normally said grace. She always spoke before the meal, and often cried. Sara and I had talked about what we should do this year. I'm not a prayer but I thought we should acknowledge Mom's absence at the table and remember her blessings of meals past. I looked at my father and he caught my eye and nodded.

I thought he was nodding to say, "I'm okay. We're all okay." In the next moment it became clear to me that he had been thinking about this moment, and perhaps anticipating the awkwardness himself. He opened his mouth and simply stated thanks for family, and togetherness. He expressed gratitude for so many years with my mother. It only lasted a few seconds but I will remember it for a long time.

Turkey was devoured. (I didn't even make it through 1 plate.) The kids giggled. The adults laughed. Later we ate pie and played games. It was a fun time, but part of me just wanted the day to end.

I missed my mother today from the moment I awoke. I've had mood swings all day long - from jubilant to melancholy. I've fondly recalled Thanksgiving from years past. I missed the sound of my Mom's laughter around the dinner table. The holidays were always her favorite time of year, and once her frustration bubbled over then settled down there was always plenty of laughter.

Sara and I hosted our first family Thanksgiving. It was a small, simple, fun, somber, and intimate affair. We did not serve rutabaga this year... sorry Mom!