Let me get this straight.

My pay raise is being postponed yet again? That's cool. I guess you didn't realize when I said I don't make enough money to support myself, I've never been this broke, and I am constantly stressed about finances that I really meant I don't make enough money to support myself, I've never been this broke, and I am constantly stressed about finances!

In their defense, there are legal matters in acquiring our new location, and the lease signing keeps getting pushed further back, but, damn let's get real. I was interviewing for other jobs they ask me to stay, give me a pay raise to make it worth my while, starting as soon as the lease gets signed, apparently, and then proceed to dangle the carrot in my face for close to two months! What the hell am I waiting for?

I should march in there and tell them all to go 'you know what' themselves.
Demand my raise.
Maybe try to find another job.
Burn the place down.
Win the lottery.
Create a microscopic civilization, that'll inhabit that leftover gyro I forgot I had in the fridge, and worship me as a God.
Sit on my ass and hope they finally give me what they promised!
Which sounds the most realistic?

Vitality!

So I've been rehearsing a play for several weeks now. Actually, I'm directing two incredibly talented actors in a one act called Audrey In Dresses by Jason Williamson. It's part of a local playwriting festival that I've been involved with for the last several years. For more information check out the website below or just look to the right of this post and click on the Speaking Ring link.

Speaking Ring Theatre Company Presents

The Third Annual Vitality One-Act Festival

Featuring Nine New Plays from Across the Country!

(Opening June 2nd and Running Two Weekends Only!)
Thursdays - Saturdays June 2 - 11
At Holy Covenant United Methodist Church
925 W. Diversey

This Year's Theme: The Boiling Point
How We React When Pushed to an Extreme
And How We Are Changed


Call 312-458-9374 For Reservations

FOR FULL SCHEDULE AND INFO GO TO
www.speakingringtheatre.org

{The play I directed goes up on Fridays and Saturdays.}

YAY ME!

So I got up this morning, rode my bike to work, and the manger says, "I forgot you were working today. I thought you had it off. There won't be alot to do?"

I think to myself, "That's right. Why didn't I think of that? I could've slept in."

My boss, Buyer, shows up and says, "This sucks. Why are we working today?"

I say, "I don't know."

Half hour later I'm sitting at home, nothing to do all day except lounge around with my baby. Maybe we'll go on a picnic. Maybe we'll go for a bike ride. Maybe we'll go to the new DQ around the corner and get chili cheese dogs and a Peanut Buster Parfait. Maybe we'll just stay in bed and be dirty little bunnies!
I have the day off!

On The 7th Day he rested...

Cause he was just a wee bit hungover!

"Oh my god, is that the sun?" the befuddled young man inquired.

"Yep," came the reply.

"What's it doing up so early?"

"It's five in the morning! Bar's closed. Go home." offered the surly bouncer at that country music dive in Uptown that everyone loves so much.

Five in the morning? Five O'clock in the Morning. The sun was coming up. I had to go home and get some sleep. Who knew that the Pub Crawl would last until Five Frickin O'Clock in the Frickin Morning? We had started around nine or ten. When had I lost all concept of time? Why hadn't I gone home between the last two bars?

Well, because I had paced myself pretty good. Only having a drink or a couple of drinks at each stop along the way. I definitely wasn't as Rip-Roaring Drunk as I could've been. I was calm. Relaxed. Just enjoying the night. Hanging with some friends. {My two friends are getting married in a few weeks back in Cape Cod and instead of a Bachelor/Bachelorette party they decided to have a Pub Crawl with a bunch of friends.} Just Chillin.

Then we go to our last stop, the country dive, and everything goes down the pisser. More Cheap beer. Honky Tonk Bands. Cowboy Boots, and drunken 'idjits' trying to two-step while I aim to start a mosh pit! We closed the sucker down! We all filed into the street, the remnants of the party, and said good bye in the coming sunlight. I hopped a cab home, and crept, not so silently, to bed. Then I slept the sleep of the recently deceased. And I slept and slept and slept. Until I could sleep no more, but I did. I awoke with half of my Sunday past. Feeling nowhere near as refreshed as I should have, and I putzed through the rest of my day with the energy of a seventy year old man recovering from a triple by pass.

So three cheers for the happy couple. I hope everyone had just as much fun as I did, and I hope everyone made it home safely, except for you Mr. Moriarty. Sorry to hear about your spill. Get well soon.

My American Flyer

Did you ever see that movie? American Flyers? Kevin Costner? Rae Dawn Chong? Two brothers come together and take part in 'The Hell of The West'; a grueling three day bicycle race through the Rockies! Not a great movie. It's watchable... but I digress.

I've been looking into getting a bike lately. I'd like to get a little exercise during the Summer. When the weather's nice I'd like to enjoy my commute. I'm tired of spending the money on CTA. Riding the sofa hasn't maintained my rock hard abs the way I hoped it would.

The problem is I don't have a ton of cash to spend right now. Hmmm, what to do? What to do? I went to the bike shop and (Holy Crap!) does that Huffy come with a Hooker? Heart transplants are less expensive! I checked out Craig's List but can't walk all the way out to Winnetka to pick up a bike.

This morning I rummaged around in the basement of my apartment building, underneath the stairwell, behind a curtain of spider webs, and under two inches of dust and what do I find? An old fashioned, blast from the past ten speed, and two layers of gunk, dust, and years of neglect! The tires were flat. The chain was rusty and, I ain't gonna lie, it's pretty beat up! But it's obviously been left behind; abandoned. Now it's mine.

I wiped it down... 5 times. I took it to an gas station, and pumped up the tires. I adjusted the seat. Off I went! Peddling down the street, cobwebs trailing behind me, whirling in my jets-tream! I rode to work and my commute which can take anywhere from 25 minutes to over an hour on the bus took me 12 minutes! Of course the bike could disintegrate beneath me at any given moment and I'm pretty sure the brakes won't last the week but man it felt good to ride my stolen... obtained... appropriated bicycle.

I don't believe in Peter Pan

Frankenstein

Or Superman!

All I want to do is

Bicycle

Bicycle

Bicycle

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike!

-Queen

The Family Mix

I just finished, minutes ago, reading a book that my mother gave to me for Xmas... 2 or 3 years ago. (I forget exactly when.) I do that thing, that I think everybody does, when I have a book that I need to read. Say someone gives you a book that they really enjoyed, and instead of starting right into it there's a few other books that are first on the list. Then of course there are those books screaming out to be read from bookstore windows, library shelves, even friend's coffee tables. Before you know it years have gone by and there's a book tucked away in a corner that you've been meaning to read.

Well, I decided to read this particular book and I'm glad I did. The book is called The Funnies and is by J. Robert Lennon. Its a story about the Mix family, now all grown up and dealing with the death of the father, Carl Mix, who was the creator and face behind the 'Family Funnies' comic strip. The one paneled comic, similar to a few I could name in existence today, followed the exploits of the Mix family back in their early years. Tim, the protagonist, of the book and one of five children in this dysfunctional family inherits the comic strip from a father whom he resented for years and has to prove himself worthy of filling his father's shoes. Tim's faced with an identity crisis, addled siblings, an ailing mother, a town so obsessed with the Mix's fame that they change the town's name to honor the cartoon family, and the pressures of trying to live up to expectations he'd never before known.

I won't say anymore except that I empathized with Tim. It's not easy trying to be your own man, and discovering your voice as an artist in a world that seems to be designed to keep you down. Obstacles appear in you path and the trick is to get by, through or around them while trying to maintain your course. Sometimes you are successful. Sometimes you get off track. Sometimes it takes getting knocked off track to realize you were never on the right track from the start.

It's a dud.

I have this thing that I do. It may be silly but I do it anyway. When more than 50 people have told me, "Oh my God, you have to see this movie! You'd love it! It's F'n Hilarious! Its right up your alley. This is one of the best movies ever made, its so boss!"... I don't. I won't see that movie, not out of spite, but out of a desire to see a movie with unbiased eyes. Also, most of the time a movie doesn't live up to all the hype... it couldn't possibly. I'll wait until all of the Hub-bub has died down and then maybe I'll check out that movie if nothing else is on TV.

So last night we rented Napoleon Dynamite. It was alright. It was okay. It wasn't this monumentally funny movie which I had been told to see. It was kind of boring, and while, I'll admit, I snickered once or twice I didn't really laugh at all. I did, however, appreciate the presence of John Gries, Uncle Rico, who played Lazlo Hollyfield in Real Genius (an actual funny movie) and Kip, the older brother was slightly amusing.

I just don't understand what all the raving was about. There are better underdog movies. Rocky. Rudy. Joe Dirt. There are better high school movies. Sixteen Candles. Mean Girls. Slumber Party Massacre. There are better geek movies. Weird Science. Trekkies. Phantom Of The Opera.

It wasn't a bad movie. It was just mediocre, and mediocre isn't funny. Maybe next time I'll rent Open Water. That should be good for a laugh.

A Man Dying Of Thirst...

... Crawls out of the desert and asks you for a drink of water. Do you

1. Say, "I'm sorry. I don't speak good English."?
2. Give the man a beer?
3. Offer the man a big refreshing glass of ice water with a slice of lemon, and make him wait two months before you let him have a sip?

Let's say that I was dying of thirst, financially, and 'The Man' offered me a drink but then keeps stringing me along and postponing my relief, day after day, week after week, and pay period after pay period. Will the final reward be more pleasing then getting up and head-butting that proverbial SOB?

We'll have to wait and see...

It's Official!

I'm an addict!
Don't cast your stones at me. Who among us is perfect? Who hasn't been clobbered by an overwhelming dependency? Freud. Ray Charles. Anthony Keidis. The former Mr. Halle Berry. Gary Busey. The list goes on an on.
Drugs.
Alcohol.
Fried Foods.
Gambling.
Women.
Reality Television.
Clay Aiken.
Then you have my undoing; my albatross.

Katamari Damacy!

No, it's not contagious. No, I won't go blind. No, I didn't catch it from a lady of questionable morals... It's a game for the Playstation 2 and it is video heroin, let me tell you! It's originally from Japan but has gained popularity in the states.
You are the pint-sized Prince of All The Cosmos and your father [You guessed it] The King of All The Cosmos has gone off on a bender and accidentally destroyed all of the stars in the sky. It is your duty to rebuilt the Heavens by guiding your Katamari [a colorful orb] around different levels of play and picking up more mass by absorbing items in your way all the while listening to a Japanese techno-Pop soundtrack. You start off small, on the first level you're rolling around a desk and picking up thumbtacks, erasers, cough drops, etc, but later on in the game you're rolling over cars, houses, livestock, buildings and even islands. The graphics are crazy. The music is snappy, and the game play is downright mesmerizing.
I've rebuilt almost everything except for the moon, and I keep playing levels to make sure I get the highest score possible. I catch myself humming the music, and I've even considered getting a panda with flames shooting out of its butt as a child holds on for dear life tattooed on my own ass. I have a problem.
The capper was waking up from a nap this afternoon and realizing that I'd been playing in my dreams. Controlling the Prince and Katamari through my mental powers. Rolling through ponds. Hunting through the school yards. Decimating cities. All from the comfort of my bed; unconscious.
I'm pathetic. I can't stand to be around myself. I'm worthless and weak! Even now I feel the siren song of the playstation calling to me from the other room. Tempting me. Daring me. Haunting me.
I have to go... um, I need to, eh... walk the car... throw out the dog... wash the garbage... Don't Judge Me!

730 Days & Counting

Who'd have ever thought it? Who'd have predicted that two springs ago when I started casually dating my girlfriend that we would be here two years later in love and planning a future together. [There those that had there doubts, I'm sure.] But here we are.
Circumstances, conditions, friendships, luck, whatever you want to contribute our success to... feel free. I'd like to think it's due, in part, to my incredibly mature attitude towards love and relationships. In actuality we owe it all to her for, usually, being so amazingly understanding, and patient. Oh, and our mutual respect for the humor of flatulence!
So, anyway, I just wanted to say it's been two years since we decided to date seriously, and I love her the majority of every single day we spend together. I love to hear her laugh; it's even better when I'm the cause. I love to see her smile. I love to chill on the couch and watch bad movies, or Sex And The City with her. I love cooking for her, and not really cleaning up my mess. I love doing our laundry, and no I don't try on her undergarments. (They're too tight.) I love sharing everything with her, and I guess what I'm trying to say is... She's still a Bomb Ass Chick!