In the Self Check Out Line at the local Jewel, when a man steps up to register. The man fails to notice the shopping basket ontop of the display unit which clued in everyone else that this machine was Out Of Order.
"Sir, that machine is out of order," announces an nearby employee.
No response. The man starts to go through his basket.
"Sir, that machine is broken!"
Nothing.
"Sir, that machine is broken! Hello? Sir?"
It is then that I notice the cord leading from the man's hearing device; one of those that is connected to the skull and a magnet on the inside. Anyway this device allows people with a hearing disability to hear, from what I understand.
Just as I notice the device the clerk says, "What are you...?"
I know she was gonna say it. How great a moment would it have been if this lady had opened her mouth and shoved her foot inside.
Maybe she caught herself. Maybe she noticed his device, too. Or maybe I imagined her saying it. Noone can ever be sure.
"What are you? Deaf?"
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Fat Hipsters in The Middle Of July
Are you really wearing a ski cap, and a scarf? It's 80 some odd degrees outside. You sweat pulling your chained wallet out of your second hand store jeans. Way to stick it to the man.
Why wasn't I born to be cool?
Why wasn't I born to be cool?
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Excuse Me, Jack-Ass...
...but if you only sign one credit card receipt, they're not carbons, and then you pocket that credit card receipt how do you expect me to know what your intended gratuity is?
...if you make a reservation for 10 then have two extra people show up that might be acceptable, but when 7 extra people trickle in during the course of the meal, claim another table, steal chairs from other tables, and then answer, "I don't want anything to eat or drink. I'm just here to hang out."... your pissing you're server off. Don't act all surprised!
... don't ever say, "What would be easier for you? Seperate Checks?"
"Why yes, yes 14 seperate checks would not only be easiest but also could possibly right all of the wrong that exists in our world! While your at it perhaps you would do me the honor of castrating me with your butter knife and then discarding my testicals in the gutter outside. That would be keen!"
* It might be time to start thinking about another job before I get bitter.
...if you make a reservation for 10 then have two extra people show up that might be acceptable, but when 7 extra people trickle in during the course of the meal, claim another table, steal chairs from other tables, and then answer, "I don't want anything to eat or drink. I'm just here to hang out."... your pissing you're server off. Don't act all surprised!
... don't ever say, "What would be easier for you? Seperate Checks?"
"Why yes, yes 14 seperate checks would not only be easiest but also could possibly right all of the wrong that exists in our world! While your at it perhaps you would do me the honor of castrating me with your butter knife and then discarding my testicals in the gutter outside. That would be keen!"
* It might be time to start thinking about another job before I get bitter.
Friday, July 14, 2006
A Bitter Pill
Disappointed.
I had hoped to produce and direct a one act play of mine for a certain theatrical festival this August. Unfortunately, my work schedule has thrown a monkey wrench into my ointment. I have missed a few production meetings due to work and fully expect to miss the upcoming meetings as well. Not good.
I also was having a casting issue. The script is very specific as to the ethnicity of the two characters: Japanese. I needed to find two Asian actors (1M/1F) who could play Japanese college students. I had the female character cast. I met with a local actor who completely looked the part and, after reading the script seemed eager to be a part of the project. Unfortunately, his availability did not mesh well with my actress'. I struggled over a rehearsal schedule for two weeks trying to find times that would work with both of my actors, and me. I couldn't do it. I even was trying to find another actor who might be a little more available.
Days kept slipping by and I was no closer to a beginning. I had hoped to start rehearsing weeks ago. My works schedule and the casting concerns had waylaid my plans. Eventually, I was forced to admit that maybe the timing isn't right for this project. Sometimes things don't fall into place and no matter how hard you believe in a project it just refuses to come together.
I couldn't come up with a feasible rehearsal schedule.
Having a devil of a time finding a second actor to take a look at the script, not to mention possibly casting him instead of my previous actor.
Missed production meetings, due to my work schedule, and a general miscommunication with the organizer.
Not to mention the fact that I'd be out of town for a family event, during the tech week for this particular festival.
All the signs seemed to be clear. I'm just a little pig-headed; hoping against hope to find a way. I couldn't. So last night I emailed everyone involved and withdrew my submission.
It stings. It does. But the silver lining is that I have another script of mine being produced as part of Speaking Ring Theatre's Fourth Annual Vitality Festival. Still moving forward.
I had hoped to produce and direct a one act play of mine for a certain theatrical festival this August. Unfortunately, my work schedule has thrown a monkey wrench into my ointment. I have missed a few production meetings due to work and fully expect to miss the upcoming meetings as well. Not good.
I also was having a casting issue. The script is very specific as to the ethnicity of the two characters: Japanese. I needed to find two Asian actors (1M/1F) who could play Japanese college students. I had the female character cast. I met with a local actor who completely looked the part and, after reading the script seemed eager to be a part of the project. Unfortunately, his availability did not mesh well with my actress'. I struggled over a rehearsal schedule for two weeks trying to find times that would work with both of my actors, and me. I couldn't do it. I even was trying to find another actor who might be a little more available.
Days kept slipping by and I was no closer to a beginning. I had hoped to start rehearsing weeks ago. My works schedule and the casting concerns had waylaid my plans. Eventually, I was forced to admit that maybe the timing isn't right for this project. Sometimes things don't fall into place and no matter how hard you believe in a project it just refuses to come together.
I couldn't come up with a feasible rehearsal schedule.
Having a devil of a time finding a second actor to take a look at the script, not to mention possibly casting him instead of my previous actor.
Missed production meetings, due to my work schedule, and a general miscommunication with the organizer.
Not to mention the fact that I'd be out of town for a family event, during the tech week for this particular festival.
All the signs seemed to be clear. I'm just a little pig-headed; hoping against hope to find a way. I couldn't. So last night I emailed everyone involved and withdrew my submission.
It stings. It does. But the silver lining is that I have another script of mine being produced as part of Speaking Ring Theatre's Fourth Annual Vitality Festival. Still moving forward.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Are You Kidding Me?
10 o'clock in the morning my doorbell goes off.
Who could that be?
We are supposed to have someone come flush out our pipes, and restore water pressure.
Would they come unannounced this early on a Saturday morning?
I shush the barking dog, neglect the entrance buzzer, and opt to descend the front stairs and confront my visitor. On the way down I bump into a little old lady coming up the stairs. She carries a notebook binder full of flyers. She smiles at me and starts to hand me a booklet.
Can this be happening? Do they still exist?
OH MY GOD!
Jehovah's Witnesses! Jehovah's Witnesses assaulted my quiet little courtyard apartment building this morning at 10 o'clock am.
Who the hell buzzed them up?
I never buzz up unnanounced visitors, because somewhere in the back of my mind a little voice warns me, "No, wait. Don't buzz them up. Remember the stories. You could be unknowingly setting loose a pack of Jehovah's Witnesses on the rest of the innocent tenants. Will you be able to live with yourself?"
Who could that be?
We are supposed to have someone come flush out our pipes, and restore water pressure.
Would they come unannounced this early on a Saturday morning?
I shush the barking dog, neglect the entrance buzzer, and opt to descend the front stairs and confront my visitor. On the way down I bump into a little old lady coming up the stairs. She carries a notebook binder full of flyers. She smiles at me and starts to hand me a booklet.
Can this be happening? Do they still exist?
OH MY GOD!
Jehovah's Witnesses! Jehovah's Witnesses assaulted my quiet little courtyard apartment building this morning at 10 o'clock am.
Who the hell buzzed them up?
I never buzz up unnanounced visitors, because somewhere in the back of my mind a little voice warns me, "No, wait. Don't buzz them up. Remember the stories. You could be unknowingly setting loose a pack of Jehovah's Witnesses on the rest of the innocent tenants. Will you be able to live with yourself?"
Friday, July 07, 2006
The Memo Stapled To The Inside Of My Skull All Day Long!
What the hell is wrong with you? We don't appreciate the way you've been treating us lately! We will not stay in an abusive relationship! Grow up!
Sincerely,
Your Liver, Your Kidneys, Your Stomache, Your Lungs, Your Spleen, Your Pancreas, Your Brain, Your Eyeballs, Your Bladder, Your Spastic Colon, And Every Single One Of Your Muscles!
Sincerely,
Your Liver, Your Kidneys, Your Stomache, Your Lungs, Your Spleen, Your Pancreas, Your Brain, Your Eyeballs, Your Bladder, Your Spastic Colon, And Every Single One Of Your Muscles!
Saturday, June 24, 2006
An Early Morning Call
The phone rang this morning at 7:30, it's my mother. My Sister-In-Law has gone into labor. My niece will be born sometime today. I hear my 2 1/2 year old nephew laughing in the background.
My mom prompts my nephew, "Can you say, 'Hi Uncle Ty.'?"
My nephew screams, "Hi Umba Ty."
"Can you say, 'Baby'll be here soon'?"
"Babee swoon!"
"Can you say, 'Savannah'?" (My Niece's name to be.)
My Nephew shrieks, "Santa!!"
My Mom corrects her grandson, "No, not Santa! Savannah."
"Santa! Santa! Santa! Santa!"
She promises to keep me updated. I hang up the phone and go back to bed with visions of sugarplums dancing in my head.
My mom prompts my nephew, "Can you say, 'Hi Uncle Ty.'?"
My nephew screams, "Hi Umba Ty."
"Can you say, 'Baby'll be here soon'?"
"Babee swoon!"
"Can you say, 'Savannah'?" (My Niece's name to be.)
My Nephew shrieks, "Santa!!"
My Mom corrects her grandson, "No, not Santa! Savannah."
"Santa! Santa! Santa! Santa!"
She promises to keep me updated. I hang up the phone and go back to bed with visions of sugarplums dancing in my head.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Past Due
The phone jingles to life.
She doesn't want to answer. She won't answer it. She knows who it is. Just another Buttinsky calling to ask the most annoying question in the world. She doesn't want to hear the question again. She hears it at the supermarket. She hears it at playground. She even hears it in her sleep.
"When are you going to have this baby?"
She's trying. She really is; the due date was only two days ago. If she could have she would have had the baby three months ago when she felt like her stomach couldn't possibly balloon out any further. She'd been wrong.
The voice mail alert sounds on her phone. She picks it up and sees that there have been thirty six missed calls. She's willing to bet that over half are from her mother-in-law, and her obnoxious brother-in-law who doesn't just call to ask about the baby. No, that clown also calls to harass her about the baby's name. As if his name were any better. It sounds like a Slave Trader's name.
A deep rumbling grows from beneath her belly. A twinge of pain. Could this be it? Will she finally go into labor? Is this going to be the day that her daughter will breathe its first breath?
BBBBBBBRRRRRRAAAAAPPPPPTTTTT!
Even she is amazed by the power behind this particular bugle call. That was a fart that would rival even her husband's all too powerful emissions. That was one thing that she would miss about being pregnant; the completely excusable, and often times just wonderful flatulence. No one tells you about the accompanying gas in sex ed classes. She was going to miss it.
She heaves herself off of the couch, and waddles towards the kitchen. Her cravings aren't very specific. They conform to whatever groceries are currently in the fridge. She'd go shopping but she doesn't want to hear the question again.
Macaroni salad sounds good. She extends her arm, and simultaneously rips a juicy fart that she's pretty sure rattled the window panes. She can't help but smile a little.
The phone rings in the other room. She knows who's calling and she knows why they are calling but part of her wishes it was a neighbor calling to check on her.
"Are you alright? We just heard the loudest thunderclap, and it sounded like it came from your kitchen."
Then her husband's voice, slapping her a mental high five. "Good one, Honey."
She doesn't want to answer. She won't answer it. She knows who it is. Just another Buttinsky calling to ask the most annoying question in the world. She doesn't want to hear the question again. She hears it at the supermarket. She hears it at playground. She even hears it in her sleep.
"When are you going to have this baby?"
She's trying. She really is; the due date was only two days ago. If she could have she would have had the baby three months ago when she felt like her stomach couldn't possibly balloon out any further. She'd been wrong.
The voice mail alert sounds on her phone. She picks it up and sees that there have been thirty six missed calls. She's willing to bet that over half are from her mother-in-law, and her obnoxious brother-in-law who doesn't just call to ask about the baby. No, that clown also calls to harass her about the baby's name. As if his name were any better. It sounds like a Slave Trader's name.
A deep rumbling grows from beneath her belly. A twinge of pain. Could this be it? Will she finally go into labor? Is this going to be the day that her daughter will breathe its first breath?
BBBBBBBRRRRRRAAAAAPPPPPTTTTT!
Even she is amazed by the power behind this particular bugle call. That was a fart that would rival even her husband's all too powerful emissions. That was one thing that she would miss about being pregnant; the completely excusable, and often times just wonderful flatulence. No one tells you about the accompanying gas in sex ed classes. She was going to miss it.
She heaves herself off of the couch, and waddles towards the kitchen. Her cravings aren't very specific. They conform to whatever groceries are currently in the fridge. She'd go shopping but she doesn't want to hear the question again.
Macaroni salad sounds good. She extends her arm, and simultaneously rips a juicy fart that she's pretty sure rattled the window panes. She can't help but smile a little.
The phone rings in the other room. She knows who's calling and she knows why they are calling but part of her wishes it was a neighbor calling to check on her.
"Are you alright? We just heard the loudest thunderclap, and it sounded like it came from your kitchen."
Then her husband's voice, slapping her a mental high five. "Good one, Honey."
Thursday, June 22, 2006
7.5%?
Dude, that's even an awful tip in your country!
Service was good. Drinks were refilled. Food arrived on time. No mistakes!
You're just clueless! Have a good evening. Don't come back!
Service was good. Drinks were refilled. Food arrived on time. No mistakes!
You're just clueless! Have a good evening. Don't come back!
Friday, June 16, 2006
Man, you are one sick puppy!
No, not me.
Our puppy. In the course of 24 hours an upset stomach and a few accidents turned into vomiting, lethargy, and internal bleeding. Today has been a stressful day.
Emergency trip to the vet first thing in the morning.
Big Bill!
Second trip to the vet when Tootsie's conditioned worsened and she started to shoot blood out of her butt.
Hospitalization and, YEP, a Big Bill!
These past few months, since we adopted Tootsie, we have known the joys of owning, caring for and loving a dog. I forgot how much it enriches your life. Just recently with kenneling her while we left town, and now these Vet visits we have come to discover the other side of the coin.
Oh well, this too shall pass...
Our puppy. In the course of 24 hours an upset stomach and a few accidents turned into vomiting, lethargy, and internal bleeding. Today has been a stressful day.
Emergency trip to the vet first thing in the morning.
Big Bill!
Second trip to the vet when Tootsie's conditioned worsened and she started to shoot blood out of her butt.
Hospitalization and, YEP, a Big Bill!
These past few months, since we adopted Tootsie, we have known the joys of owning, caring for and loving a dog. I forgot how much it enriches your life. Just recently with kenneling her while we left town, and now these Vet visits we have come to discover the other side of the coin.
Oh well, this too shall pass...
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