I Maybe Evil. Truly.

Today as I was boarding the #22 Clark bus I heard a woman yell, "Shit!" and then a muffled impact as she, carrying an enormous purse and a cardboard box stepped off of the bus, and fell to the pavement. I looked up in time to see her sprawled out on the sidewalk near the rear of the bus.

I laughed, not out loud, but I snickered, sniggered and chortled into my sleeve. That's not very neighborly.

Then the woman stood up, brushed off her pride and started bitching to the driver, who was genuinely concerned, about how it was his fault for not keeping the back doors open long enough for her to deboard safely. The gentleman calmly explained to the woman numerous times that he doesn't control the rear doors, double-checked her for injury, then let her go on her way. I then heard another passenger say how the same woman with her purse and cargo had nearly fallen trying to take a seat on the bus five minutes earlier.

I'm still giggling about the whole thing.

Self-Absorbed

In my head it has all gone very differently. I never wandered off track years ago. I never had to tread water waiting for some sign, or assistance. I didn't achieve this mediocrity, that is, easily. I rose above it, and achieved.

As is... I sit, and wait, and stumble, and turn, and, and sit, and wait, and stumble, and turn, and peer into the darkness of uncertainty. I feel inadequate. I feel like a sham, and a disappointment to those who expected so much from 'a young man with so much promise'. I feel like a child in wolf's clothing. I feel like an idiot.

Then I realize that I haven't stepped outside of my head in so long I'm turning in on myself. Shunning those who would help, ignoring those who care, and only spending quality time with my bitterness, and exaggerated misery. It's hard to see clearly with your head up your own ass!
That's all it is sometimes...

I don't know what it means.

I wake from a troubled sleep. The storm outside rages on. I walk through the empty apartment and realize that every single window has been left open. The rain splatters across the hardwood floors.

The dream is always the same, and I have it several times a night.

Peck & Mrs. Peck

MO, huh? Count me in?

Just wanted to congratulate you two little monkeys on your upcoming nuptials (Summer '06) and, yes, I will be leading the pack, and celebrating your good fortune as only I can! I mean, really, after over a decade of zany, loony loving it's gonna be one hell of a party.

Yeah Yeah Yeah!

WTF?

Standing in line, waiting for my meatball sub when a girl with 2 young kids in tow asks the owner to use his phone. She's stranded, penniless, and just needs to make a quick call. The guy dials the number, hands the phone to her, and continues making my sub.

This girl is clearly upset with whomever she called. She drops the F bomb every other word, the kids are running around the store, raiding the Baked Lays, and squealing like retarded little piglets, and then the girl screams into the phone, "But what about my curfew?"

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

You have a curfew? You have 2 kids, younger than 3, you're stranded on the northside of Chicago with no way to get home, but your still young enough for a curfew? Wait a minute, your parents think a curfew's gonna help? They've really got things under control, don't they? I've always been told that a curfew helps keep kids on the straight and narrow...

Guilty Pleasures

Extra strength cold medicine, and an hour of Cops!

BAD BOYS! BAD BOYS! WHATCHA GONNA DO? WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THEY COME FOR YOU?

What could be better? Half delirious, and watching society's worst at their best. Senile old ladies in moo moos, unidentified skeletons, and young caucasian kids who think they're 50 Cent stalking their ex-girlfriends.

Yes, people like this do exist and thank whatever higher power you pray to for Fox Television!

Not Quite Myself

As I sit here, sick as a dog, with a horrendous chest cold, and post nasal drip, doing my best Doc Holiday impression my mind starts to wander.



Who came up with the word phlegm? Why phlegm? I'm sure at the time it was named there were still some unused words in the English language, better and less disgusting words. Being sick might not be so bad if it wasn't for all of the phlegm, the coughing up of the phlegm, what color is your phlegm? and everything associated with the word phlegm. Why not call it sap? Or Kool Aid?

I know. Let's try an experiment. Let's fill in the blank in the following phrase, by replacing the word phlegm with better words.

"I haven't gotten out of bed in three days except to dump all of my used tissues. I've got _________ shooting out of every orifice 24 hours a day."

Now reread the sentence with words like:

Sunshine

Gravy

Unconditional Love

Jelly

Silliness

Mountain Dew

Chowder

See? Isn't that better. Wouldn't you feel less sick if you could just stop saying phlegm? If we, as a people, could set aside our differences, and come together for the sole purpose of eradicating the word phlegm from every spoken language on earth; Oh Happy Day! Being sick would be less of a burden, more enjoyable, and phlegmwads every where could hold their heads high and say, "I'm a ______wad!"

Dear Mr. Jackson

1 frightened Brontosaurus is fine, two frightened Brontosaurus is even better... 25 stampeding Brontosaurus trampling over each other as 'Billy Elliot' and 'That Guy From Tenacious D' scamper between their legs is going a little overboard.

1 dinosaur fighting a giant silver back gorilla for the helpless Naomi Watts is engaging... King Kong fending off 5 T Rexes single handedly, first on the ground and then later hanging from a mass of vines, is laughable.

Other than that I enjoyed your movie. Thank you for an amusing remake.

PS. Eat something. Please, for me. You're beginning to look like a cross between Saddam Hussein and an Olsen twin.

So Far...

In 2006 I have:

- Realized that wealthy people have no problem wearing pajamas out in public if it means they'll get a free meal.
- Also realized that they, those same wealthy people, will leave shitty tips to ring in the New Year.
- Been scolded by a middle-aged tranny in a night gown for running out of freshly squeezed orange juice.
- Watched a guy stop a ceiling fan with his head...

I wonder what else this year will have in store for me.

Thin Ice

So yesterday I get a voice mail from work. I'm chillin' on the couch waiting for my brother and his wife to come over for a night of cheap wine and board games and I get this voice mail. Apparently I was scheduled to work! For the second Wednesday in a row, I get called into work when I'd written down my 'holiday' schedule and nowhere on it, when it was originally posted, was I scheduled for Wednesdays. I never work Wednesdays! I know some of the schedules were revised after the death of my co-worker, but my schedule didn't appear to change at the time. When I ask if the schedule had been changed again I get the run around. Other people too have been upset about the schedule being silently updated. The fact that I'm not being reprimanded for showing up late to work leads me to believe that the management realizes they've handled the scheduling wrong. Who knows, I could show today and get written up.

The thing that bothers me is that I'm a reliable employee, usually. I'm flexible, cooperative, prepared, and always punctual! The last thing I need is to lose this job do to a stupid misunderstanding.