There's so much going on these days with work, the family, public politics and every day life that sometimes I crawl into bed at night feeling remarkably unproductive. Maybe I got sucked into social media instead of reading my current book or instead of working on my writings I crack open a beer and zone out in front of the boob tube or Mario Kart. I am often disappointed in myself for various reasons. It's a new year... But the same old me.
I spend half of my day at work,which some people might consider productive, rolling that same boulder up the same hill day in and day out. I'm thankful to have a job that allows me to feed and care for my family but that's all it is and will ever be. The company is a good company to work for if you have bills to pay - everyone does - but I never walk out after a shift feeling anything but relief to be free for the moment.
"Daddy, tell me a story."
"Can you tell me a story?"
"Tell me a Star Wars story, Daddy."
No, I don't want to tell a story. I don't have the patience, right now, to tell a story. Sometimes Evie Sue is just trying to get out of eating her dinner or going to sleep but sometimes it's a legitimate request. She loves using her imagination and pretending and sometimes she just wants to hear a story. Sometimes, I cannot be bothered. Why is that?
I like stories. I write stories. Writing stories is what I would like to be doing with my professional life. Instead I work to pay bills and then am, apparently, too busy, distracted or uninterested in sharing a passion of mine with my child. Why? Is it a waste of time? No, sharing these moments with my girls is one of my favorite parts about being a parent. It's like pulling teeth getting daddy to tell a story, however.
Where is my voice? What has happened to my creative momentum? I haven't cranked out anything creative in such a long time, and even have a hard time believing that my writing would be worthwhile anyway. What would be the point?
I see people "going live" on Facebook with messages of hope, while others are attempting to brand themselves on Instagram by posting inspirational quotes and/or hashtags, and there are friends podcasting and trying to combat the political upheaval in our country. Me? I'm not doing any of those things. I can't even find the time or motivation to tell my five year old a simple story much less pick up an old draft of a script and attempt revisions or start a new project.
Button just came up to me as I'm attempting to finish this post and gave me a hug before climbing onto my lap. "You're my bestest daddy," she added. Hm, maybe I'll try a little harder next time she asks me to tap into my creativity and share a story.
