Why Would Anyone Care?

That’s the question that has been plaguing me for some time now.  "Why bother?  Why would anyone care what I have to say?  Why would anyone want to read what I write?"

I'm not talking about this blog specifically but from the lack of posts in the last couple of years you can assume that it too has been affected.  I am referring to my work as a writer and an artist.  In the past I have used lack of time and energy as an excuse for why I wasn't writing or rewriting or even attempting to come up with ideas but I think that I may have been using those inconvenient factors to avoid a bigger problem.  In the world as it exists today why would one more middle aged suburban white hetero male and his 'voice' matter?

Years ago I lived in the big city; living the artist's life.  Struggling to make ends meet, working multiple jobs, and working on my craft -  as pretentious as that sounds - gave me an identity on which to cling.  My writing was original, humorous and insightful... or so I thought.

Nowadays, I live in a house that I purchased in a suburb of a Midwestern city.  I have a job that pays rather well for the tasks that I perform, and a family of four that has commitments such as dance class, soccer camp and school plays.  I have not been writing all that much.  I don't feel original, humorous or insightful.

I have a level of comfort and security that I have not had before. I am privileged. I am static.  That does not mean that I am not enraged by the current political atmosphere or uninterested in others and their struggles.  I am admittedly more politically-minded these days then I was in the past and am constantly frustrated and discouraged by the actions, policies and tweets of our 'leaders'.  I do not understand how those who have always had power and influence suddenly paint themselves as the victim because others such as minorities, foreigners, and 'outsiders' are demanding equality and compassion.  I cringe at the fearmongering, hate speech, and xenophobia that has become acceptable again.  However, my life is pretty good these days.

So why would a blog post, a short story, or a One Act Play written by myself resonate with anyone other than myself.  I don't write about politics, usually, and my scripts aren't attempting to change social norms or make bold statements.  I think inserting an agenda into my work would feel forced and not necessarily improve their reception.  I'm not saying my works aren't about anything or don't have themes or points but they're much more specific and on a more intimate scale.  I like to think I write about the human condition; whatever that means.  My characters are often struggling against their own flaws and demons but not social injustice.  My protagonists fear personal failure or the loss of love not being separated from their families or forced to live under oppressive regimes.  I often don't assign racial identities to characters in my plays leaving the casting choice up to those in charge of production.  I write what I believe to be strong, and realistically portrayed female characters although sometimes I must admit to including clichés and or tropes about gender roles.  My sense of humor can be inappropriate and chauvinistic at times.  All of these factor are present in my writing.

Is that okay?  Can I still write a script about an wounded cowboy who seeks revenge on the whore who sold him out?   Is my play about a woman who feels empty and lost in her skin and so fakes a disability in order to give herself an identity relevance.  What about my screenplay, now over 15 years old, about two childhood friends and their misguided attempts to get their lives back on track?  There's unrequited love, exotic dancers, kidnapping, fist fights, guns, and  car chases, would that be interesting?  (There's also the fact that the proliferation of cell phones has rendered much of the movie improbable.  I would have to set in the late 1990s or so when it was first conceived.)

When people find out that I used to live in the city and audition constantly for plays and film work but now I live in Minnesota and work in a grocery store they sometimes say things like 'What happened?' or 'Why did you stop?'.  My response is always about how I was one of thousands or more mediocre looking, and mediocre gifted white guys all doing the same thing and I guess I just didn't really stand out.  I worked by butt off to get roles and try and perform and most times the productions were mediocre at best.  Later when I moved back east and casually auditioned for local theatres for projects I was expressly interested in then I was much more happy and ended up being part of some really memorable shows.  

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have been overpowered lately by doubts about my writing.  I, as a white hetero male, do not feel threatened by the stories and voices of artists who are different, due to their culture, gender, sexual orientation, or ethnicity.  I am inspired by their courage and the depth of their work.  I enjoy reading their books, seeing their movies or plays and hearing of their struggles.  I am just unsure as to whether or not my work carries the same weight and realness in this day and age.

Maybe that's okay.  Maybe I should be more focused on rediscovering my voice and not dwell on whether or not I'm writing something meaningful before I even start writing.  I don't need anymore excuses to not write.  I've heard it said that there is no such thing as an original idea anymore.  Everything has been done before.  I don't think that means that I shouldn't try to do it.  Maybe I won't write anything politically relevant or profound or even interesting to anyone other than myself but I have to try.  I have to get back on the horse and see where it takes me.

Make Up Your Mind

"He is rich who is content with the least; for contentment is the wealth of nature."
                                   - Socrates

"One should either be sad or joyful. Contentment is a warm sty for eaters and sleepers."
                                   - Eugene O'Neill

After posting yesterday I did a lot of thinking about my attitude and how I deal with the frustrations in my life.  I found these two opposing quotes on contentment.  I'm not sure which one to believe but either way I need to try and live in the moment and appreciate the gifts of each day.

What Is Wrong With Me?

There's so much going on these days with work, the family, public politics and every day life that sometimes I crawl into bed at night feeling remarkably unproductive.  Maybe I got sucked into social media instead of reading my current book or instead of working on my writings I crack open a beer and zone out in front of  the boob tube or Mario Kart.  I am often disappointed in myself for various reasons.  It's a new year... But the same old me.

I spend half of my day at work,which some people might consider productive, rolling that same boulder up the same hill day in and day out.  I'm thankful to have a job that allows me to feed and care for my family but that's all it is and will ever be.  The company is a good company to work for if you have bills to pay - everyone does - but I never walk out after a shift feeling anything but relief to be free for the moment.

"Daddy, tell me a story."
"Can you tell me a story?"
"Tell me a Star Wars story, Daddy."

No, I don't want to tell a story.  I don't have the patience, right now, to tell a story.  Sometimes Evie Sue is just trying to get out of eating her dinner or going to sleep but sometimes it's a legitimate request.  She loves using her imagination and pretending and sometimes she just wants to hear a story.  Sometimes, I cannot be bothered.  Why is that?

I like stories.  I write stories.  Writing stories is what I would like to be doing with my professional life.  Instead I work to pay bills and then am, apparently, too busy, distracted or uninterested in sharing a passion of mine with my child.  Why?  Is it a waste of time?  No, sharing these moments with my girls is one of my favorite parts about being a parent.  It's like pulling teeth getting daddy to tell a story, however.

Where is my voice?  What has happened to my creative momentum?  I haven't cranked out anything creative in such a long time, and even have a hard time believing that my writing would be worthwhile anyway.  What would be the point?

I see people "going live" on Facebook with messages of hope, while others are attempting to brand themselves on Instagram by posting inspirational quotes and/or hashtags, and there are friends podcasting and trying to combat the political upheaval in our country.  Me?  I'm not doing any of those things.  I can't even find the time or motivation to tell my five year old a simple story much less pick up an old draft of a script and attempt revisions or start a new project.

Button just came up to me as I'm attempting to finish this post and gave me a hug before climbing onto my lap.  "You're my bestest daddy," she added.  Hm, maybe I'll try a little harder next time she asks me to tap into my creativity and share a story.

Ahh, Life...

Sometimes you just get in the way, don'tcha?  Here we are in late December, just a few days before Christmas

Time marches on, as I've said before.  We've now been in Minnesota for almost a  year and a half, and those last 5 months we've been in our 1st house.  Work continues - Sara with a local school district and I at a 'national chain of neighborhood grocery stores' - but that's not news.
Granddaddy, my father, came for a short visit in early October and we had fun having him stay with us and then dragging him around everywhere.  He saw the girls' dance class, came to Evie Sue's preschool for drop off and pick up, visited the princess café with us and we took him out for a birthday lunch in Stillwater after playing at Teddy Bear Park.

He observed that Minnesota seemed to be filled with pregnant ladies. I told him it was probably just the circles that Sara and I travel in with our small children naturally has a lot of mothers to be included.

Evie Sue loves her preschool program at the neighborhood nature center.  After class she always wants to stay and climb rocks, run through the fields, and play with her multitude of friends.  Other parents tell me how friendly she is and how their child just adores her.  A recent parent teacher conference confirmed that our eldest daughter is pretty cool.  Her teachers love her and described her as 'fearless, and flexible'.

Ronen P is still not sleeping through the night, and/or rising before the sun on nights she sleeps longer.  She's is quick to anger, often throwing tantrums, as kids her age are want to do, and she occasionally bites others when pissed off.  On the flip side, she's incredibly sweet and loving at times, has a growing vocabulary, silly sense of humor, and mimics her older sister constantly.  This kid keeps us guessing.

The house is good and there are times we are incredibly grateful to have such a comfortable home.  Sometimes it is not as orderly, and quiet as we might like but there are moments when Sara or myself will just realize, all over again, that this is our house and we love it.  The yard has been mowed, a rake purchased and a snowblower obtained for use this winter, and holiday decorations have gone up for Halloween, Thanksgiving and now the Christmas Holiday.  The decorations, specifically the exterior, will grow I'm sure as the years go on we gather more and more paraphernalia.

Speaking of Holidays, we missed a few since last I wrote.  I am pleased to say that Evie Sue opted for a non Disney Princess costume this year, and I couldn't of been more excited for our family Halloween costume.  If you didn't know already or even if you did, I still geek out about how fun our idea was,  the Cobbs dressed up as Twisted Sister for this Halloween. 

Yup, Evie Sue was introduced to the joys of Dee Snider and Twisted Sister videos on youtube this last year and it wasn't too hard to nudge her in the direction of dressing up as the lead singer for trick or treating.  The rest of us also dressed up as band members but, let's be honest, no one really remembers the other guys.  It's all about Dee Snider's signature look.  I think Evie did pretty awesome.

Thanksgiving was a small, intimate affair in our new home this year with Grandma and Grandpa Patsy joining us for dinner.  It's the 1st time we've ever hosted, and the 1st time we've been in charge of the turkey.  In years past we'd arrive with pies, and or side dishes but without Reb to smoke the turkey Sara and I were responsible for the whole meal.  Turns out neither one of us had cooked a whole turkey before but we did it with the help of Grandma's roaster.  The Cobb's got up, watched the Thanksgiving Parade on television, followed by the dog show with some bourbon imbibed.  We're enjoying our own little family traditions.  We, or I more specifically did not enjoy watching the Redskins lose to the Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving, and it may have soured my mood a tad but the day was still a fun 1st in our home.

December has been pretty busy for us.  The girls' dance recital and Evie's 5th Birthday just a week or so before Christmas.  That's right FIVE years old. My oldest daughter is five years old.  It's a cliche I know but they grow up so fast.  I remember holding her in my arms for the very 1st time and now she's a five year old kid.   (Not to skip over the dance recital.  It was cute.  Ronen didn't dance at all she just took center stage and smiled at the audience.  Evie Sue was adorable. She followed the choreography, smiled excitedly, and loved every minute of the performance.)  She's five!  We had a family gathering/party for her and squeezed more people than I thought possible into our home.  It was a great night!

Winter is here.  We've had some snow.   There have been multiple days of subzero weather and even though it isn't supposed to snow this weekend it should still be a whitish Christmas with some snow still on the ground. We are looking forward to our 1st Christmas in this house, the 1st of many, the tree is up, the gifts are wrapped and tomorrow after spending time with family over at the Patsy home we will return home and wait for Santa Claus to arrive.

We will miss our family far and wide, this year but know that they are only a phone call away.  I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

This Past Summer

My girls!

I've been trying to post now for a while.  With no internet in our home, currently, and a busy family life I haven't had the time to sit down and properly write something witty and/or worth reading.  There have also been a few techno-rage issues, when I run into a library on my way to work and try to speedily throw together a post and wind up cocking up the whole post with margins, deleting pictures, and formatting BS!

Oh well, here are a few pics from this Summer and our continuing adventures in White Bear Lake.  I'll post more about the family and house soon.

Hanging out w/Uncle Bert & Aunt Stephanie in our backyard!

Optimist Beach, White Bear Lake, Evie Sue and I got to spend a morning splashing around with cousins Mike, Jenn and their daughter Maya.

Evie Sue and I took in the Japanese Lantern Lighting Festival at Como Park Conservatory.  It was packed.

RonenP

Evie Sue gets a push from a Sophie, a cousin, at a family reunion on Bone Lake.

The season is changing and fall is almost here.  There will be trips to apple orchards, and the Renaissance Festival.  We'll have backyard bonfires, and hopefully a visit from Granddaddy Cobb!  Evie Sue starts her second year of pre-school tomorrow at a local Nature Center.  She's super excited!  Both Evie and Ronen will be taking dance classes this fall and Sara gets to participate in Ronen's class.  Expect some sickeningly sweet photos soon. 

Closing On A House

We did it!  We Bought A House!

Bienvenido a la casa de Cobb  - Minnesota edition!

Long story short we found a house got the approval, made an offer, had an inspection, etc.  On June 30th, today, we signed the papers and began the move in process.  Most of our things were still in storage although there is quite a bit of stuff to pack up and organize from our current apartment.  It'll be a while before we're completely settled in but we are excited for our new home.  We are living in White Bear Lake, a few minutes away from the in-Laws, walking distance of uptown, the library and several playgrounds.  Thank you to family and friends that made all of this possible through your love and support.  Today has been a momentous day for our little family!

Closing In On One Year.

At the end of June the Cobb family will have been living in Minnesota for a whole year.  Sara and the girls flew out a few days before I arrived in a rental truck with all of our earthly possessions.  How has so much time passed? 

11 Months & Counting!

2016 is flying by.  How is it already the end of May?  It's funny because when I'm at work the day seems to stretch into eternity but each morning as I wake up and check the calendar it appears as if time is speeding up on me.

We have now been in Minnesota for 11 months!  Summer is approaching, the warm weather has been nice, the flowers are in full bloom and pretty soon there will be farmers' markets, street festivals, pool parties backyard cook outs, etc.  Evie Sue has wrapped up another drama class, finished her swim lessons, and her last week of preschool.  Next year we are enrolling her in a different preschool program at a local nature center; because of her late birthday she'll have another year before Kindergarten.  Dance classes will be starting soon and there's probably, at least, another round of swim lessons in her future.  Ronen P is a walking, talking toddler.  (She talks non-stop even if we don't understand most of her gibberish.)  She loves to dance to music, imitate her big sister, and headbutt people when she gets a little perturbed.  The girls continue to grow, as they do, and their relationship as sisters blossoms and evolves.

In other unrelated news, the Premiere League season is over; Liverpool finished in 8th place, and choked in the finals of the UEFA Europa League tournament against Sevilla. It was a fun season though and I am hopeful that  Jurgen Klopp can manage the team into a top 4 finish soon.  Sara and I, along with her cousins Nikki & Dave, attended a Minnesota United FC game the other night.  The Loons are a local soccer/football club that will join the MLS (Major League Soccer) in a few seasons.  Right now they are in 4th place in the NASL (North American Soccer League) table.  They lost 0-2 but we still had a fun time supporting a local minor league sports team and hanging out with family.  I am about halfway through the podcast History of the World in 100 Objects.  My work routine has changed, I now am in charge of the cheese order, and I don't spend nearly as much time isolated in the dairy cooler as I did so my podcast listening time has diminished some.  I have also just started reading Revelation Space by Alastair Reynolds.
  

Playing in the sun

A Few More Things

This past week I celebrated my 41st birthday!  Last year when I turned 40 people would ask me, "What did you do for the BIG 4 0?"  Well, Ronen was only a few weeks old so I didn't really celebrate in a big way!  This year, however, I took the day off - which I never do - and spent the day with family for the most part. It was a cold and rainy day.   Sara brought home take out pho for lunch, and then I drove into Minneapolis to Brit's Pub to watch Liverpool vs Villareal in the UEFA Europa League Semi-finals.  We lost.  Then I sat in rush hour traffic in the rain, and listened to a few podcasts.  When I got home, I grilled out in the rain.  I even was gifted a 6 pack of assorted beers by my mother-in-law.  It wasn't the most jam-packed, wildly celebrated day but it was the perfect mix of family time, and me time.

House-hunting continues with very little success so far.  We've seen a few houses that would need much more attention (repairs/money) than we are able to provide.  We have been here in Minnesota for 10 months now; hard to believe.  We are fortunate enough to have a fully furnished  garden apartment to temporarily reside in and a 'landlady' who is more than willing to let us take our time in finding a house.  This means we don't need to rush into anything like I did with the car.  The car is running fine now, by the way.

Ronen is walking all over the place.  She stands.  She wobbles.  She walks.  She falls down.  Repeat.  She'll still drop to her knees and haul ass in a lightning quick crawl if she has somewhere she wants to be but the walking is pretty constant nowadays.  Another layer of baby-roofing needs to be administered.

Evie Sue has started a few extracurricular activities this past month including swim lessons and a drama class.  She's done the drama class thing before back in Maryland at a theatre Sara used to work for and Evie Sue loved it.  She also seems to have inherited her mother's penchant for the drama, and loves to perform little songs, and scenes from time to time.  Swim lessons are at a local community center that has an indoor pool/waterpark.  Evie loves getting in the water and I hope she'll become even more comfortable as she learns to float, and swim.  The class has some parent involvement during the 1st few weeks so I've been splashing around and blowing bubbles with her during the sessions.  Eventually, I'll get phased out and she'll be more independent with her instructor.
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Recently, Sara and I had the pleasure of attending one of Evie Sue's parent teacher conferences.  It was odd being on the other side of the desk.  I've been the student, and I've even been the teacher in the past but this was my 1st conference as a parent.  I was extremely proud.  The teacher showed us some of Evie Sue's 'classwork', talked about her exemplary vocabulary, her social skills and basically reaffirmed our belief in how cool our kid is. There was even a point where we mentioned possibly enrolling her in a different preschool program next year and concern for how the change might affect our young student.  The teacher smiled, and said Evie would thrive in whatever setting we put her in.  Proud.